Such Tweet Sorrow: A timeline of turmoil
The start of the year invites the exorcising of past damaging behaviour. This year I decided to confront something that is simultaneously painful and embarrassing to revisit: my old tweets. My Twitter personality hangs over me like a dark cloud about to rain heaving droplets of not-yet exposed humiliation. But having tentatively revealed my twitter alter ego to a precious few and received a couple of laughs, I decided to lay my shame aside and mine this source for the pure comedy it is. @miasharp5 Enjoy.
Everyone knows that in a professional setting one must always use official titles hence I wouldn’t dream of using the term hot chocolate when cremichoc (possibly said in a French accent) is available. Not only that, but clearly I am easily pleased, which gives me comfort for the oncoming terror of finding a career, as I now know that all I need for job satisfaction is a complimentary hot drinks machine with a plenitude of outlandishly-named options.
Moving onward. From consuming a humble cremichoc to casual chats with my starry best friends – I’m so down to earth!!!! Here enters the (lengthy) series of tweets where I assume the role of close friend and confidante to various celebrities. A mixed bag that includes Chace Crawford, Simon Pegg, Eliza Doolittle (more on that later) and Jamie Laing (cliché alert.) Particular obsession seems to be Lily Allen, her husband, and their new-born baby.
Presumably Fearne Cotton, although I didn’t tag her in the post and can’t fathom how I thought she would see it, or more importantly, care. Full marks for all-caps enthusiasm, although on second thoughts, potentially a tad aggressive?!?
An innocent 14-year-old classics student preaching love to all the persons (1st,3rd, singular, whomsoever) …
…almost immediately after, morphs into a patronising mini-fashion-bitch on a rampage. LOOK OUT WORLD!! IF I SPY JEGGINGS I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS!!!
Would be ok as satire…sadly isn’t. My still-grieving feet recall the heartache as keenly as if it were yesterday.
I repeat. The ‘WORST’ activity I ever have to do. #CheckYourPrivilege???
A few insights into my music taste. The following tweeted no fewer than 3 times, each with slightly different wording OBVIOUSLY- don’t want Eliza thinking I’m a psychopath ! !! !!! !!!!
Trigger warning: Hayfever
Snuck this one in as actually quite proud of it.
"If you're ready for this level of humour COME AND GET IT" - as my friend Selena would say.
Then I go so far from myself, it’s unclear whether my true essence still exists….
Oh wait, don’t worry. There I am…
There ends my deep-dive into the Ghost of Twitter’s past/ convincing lesson as to why tweens shouldn't have unfettered access to the internet. Thank god I have grown up and would now only ever use my Twitter for much more meaningful purposes – such as relentlessly requesting the same song when I am in a nightclub (as you can see, approximately once a year.)